dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
