im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
