Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
