He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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