pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
