I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
