true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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