Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
