There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
