oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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