So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
