I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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