I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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