Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
