I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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