You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
