Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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