You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
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