I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize