im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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