She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
