I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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