I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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