it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
