i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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