I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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