Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
