R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize