pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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