Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
