Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
