I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize