I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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