Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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