She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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