anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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