I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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