Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
