the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
