my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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