i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
