i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
