You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
