The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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