dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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