I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
