Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize