I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
