Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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