Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
my being single is dangerous.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
