i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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