Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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