I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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