I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
