this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
