I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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