Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am midnight drunk by noon
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
