In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
