FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
