she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
